I love Christmas, but I find it disconcerting that Christmas carols start playing in October and I find myself unconsciously humming these classic little ditties so often that by the time my favorite holiday arrives I can’t stand to hear them anymore. I’ve heard the “Twelve Days of Christmas” more than a few times already and began wondering — what kind of true love gives you fowl you don’t want and an ensemble cast of characters who are too happy for their own good? And furthermore, where are on earth is this proverbial recipient going to store them all? But then it occurred to me that I have a couple of miscreant true loves who’ve given me more than a few things I don’t need from the other foul category and decided this time-honored carol needed an update. To save time and space, I’ll begin with the last verse:
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Motherhood gave to me…
12 Thousand Sleepless Hours
11 Tubs of Vomit
10 Walls with Crayon
9 Tons of Clutter
8 Million Hours a’ Washin’
7 Years a’ Dateless
6 Tee Pounds a’ Lingering
5 Per-cent Brain Loss
4 Million Days of Whining
3 Years of Chaos (Is Cameron really only three?)
2 Saggy Mammaries
And a Man-da-tory Hysterec-to-Meeeeee!
I guess I could also write it like this:
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Motherhood gave to me…
12 Thousand Hugs and Kisses
11 Tons a’ Handmade Art
10 New Ways to Love
9 Hundred Hours a’ Dancing
8 Million Times a’ Cuddling
7 Years of “Love Yous”
6 Thousand Fits a’ Laughter
5 Beams of Pride
4 Little Feet
3 Times a Bigger Heart
2 New Reasons to Live
And the Most Precious Gifts That I Have Eeever Haaaad!
I could, but then people might think I’ve gone soft…
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